frustration: a rant

[if I had internet at home I would have published this on Wednesday night. Thursday afternoon some of the feelings have changed, but circumstances have not. Thus I publish anyway. I needed someone to rant to last night and had no one.]

Friends, I am feeling so discouraged right now. I am typing this up on Wednesday evening and will take it to class on Thursday and post it. I have spent the last thirty-six hours really angry. For a few reasons. First of all, it is SO cold. Temperatures are in the mid-40s during the day, I think, and colder at night. Okay, that is cold but not freezing (literally). But, there is no heat in the buildings. Apartments buildings like the one I live in and school buildings like the one I study in are connected to the centralized city heating system of the SOveit era. It is literally pipes through which they pour hot water. It works great, actually. But you have to wait for "them" to turn it on. They heating usually comes on in October. It is mid-september, and an unusually cold mid-September. Damn. At least two more weeks. It makes me angry to be sitting in class in my coat and four shirts and scarf and gloves and still be frozen. How do I concentrate on a lecture in Russian and try to take notes or translate something? It just doesn't work. Then I walk home, feet frozen, and freeze the rest of the evening. I have a space heater that emanates heat at about four inches per hour. I left it on overnight and the room finally got warm. Last night I fell asleep with cold feet despite wearing two pairs of socks and two shirts, under two big blankets. I never wear that much to bed. Anyway.

I have had more curse words flooding my brain in the last couple days than have in the last few months cumulatively. The other issue I am dealing with is my bank. I withdrew money from an ATM and the bank froze my debit card because of suspicious activity. I have been emailing them and finally was told that I could only resolve this by telephone. So I have made several calls in the last two days. I HATE automated telephone services. Whoever invented them should be forced to use them. Yes, that's the torture I would prescribe. AAAH. The voice recognition part never works and it usually doesn't work when I type in the number of my choice - I think something is wrong with the ancient phones I am using. So I finally got a person on the phone and they directed me to another number then it didn't recognize the number I was selecting. And I tried to call back and can't access the number from Russia. So I'll have to Skype them tomorrow from my school cafeteria. Oh it makes me so upset. [Thursday update: the wireless network at school is down so I can't Skype. Delayed another day. Awesome.]

Plus I am just angry at Russian people. I thought I was used to it but I think I've been in the States too long and have started taking common courtesy for granted. Well, today I reached my limit and got yelled at one too many times. I just wish that employees wouldn't treat customers as a nuisance. What are they getting paid for if not to help me? And Russians are just so impatient with and angry at people who don't understand them. Anyway, I waited in line at the post office for 30 minutes for nothing and got ignored then snapped at at the theater. That was just accumulating from the last few weeks of laughing off all the rudeness. And I have four more months here.

Well, there it is. I am an angry and proud person who needs the gospel and doesn't want to admit that I can't do it on my own and am helpless without Christ. After another failed phone call (but I got so close!) I cried and cursed America as well as Russia, then listened to some indelible grace and read Doug's message on John 3. I need Jesus. I can't get it right. It is more than a lousy day. People and automated telephone services are here to stay. In my anger and frustration I am trying to turn to Christ. But I am missing friends and family so badly. Please pray for me.