God bless America and no place else

From Peter Hopkirk's The Great Game, p. 523, referring to 19th-century British and Russian officers who were involved in the struggle for control of India and Central Asia:

Men such as these, of either side, had few doubts about what they were doing. For those were the days of supreme imperial confidence, unashamed patriotism, and an unswerving belief in the superiority of Christian civilization over all the others.

I wonder what it would be like to believe that. It seems like Americans have lost a lot of their patriotism. We don't have that blustering self-confidence or trust in our government that allows us to believe that everything we do is right and moral. Dr Fears asks his class of 350 if they consider it noble and worthwhile to die for your country. Three people raise their hands. And I doubt they are enlisted.

There are few things for which I would give my life. Territorial gain is certainly not one of them. I don't think I'm crazy, but I'm not sure those 19th-century guys were either. I don't know.

a winter's day

Two weeks from today is Christmas. That's fun.

Tomorrow my family leaves their outpost in Russia and makes the long (10-day) trek to Tulsa. There will be lots of planes, trains, and automobiles. Really.

I've taken three days off work which gives me ten straight days off over Christmas and New Years. I'm glad I still get a pseudo-break as a pseudo-college-student. Some things I am looking forward to:

- Seeing my family. I said goodbye and got on the train on January 10. It'll have been ten and a half months by the time I see them in a couple weeks. That's a really long time.

- Sleeping in past six, and then drinking my dad's pakistani chai every morning. It's delicious, it's caffeinated, and it's hand-delivered to me.

- Christmas in Oklahoma. Well, I really love Christmas in Russia, but I'm willing to experience change. Maybe we will have snow. Maybe not. It'll be fun. There are nine of us and everyone gives everyone else a present. If you do the math, that is a lot of presents. We open them one at a time. Then I'll spend the rest of the morning with my mom in the kitchen.

- possibly midnight mass on Christmas Eve.

- New Years in Oklahoma. New Years is a big deal in the former Soviet Union so I love the holiday. I will definitely miss our tradition of going to the natural hot springs pool in the mountains like we did the last two years. And the sparklers and fireworks at midnight. Oklahoma New Years are usually much quieter. But that's okay, and it will be great.

- Going to church with my parents in Tulsa. I love my church in Norman, and like to be there, but it has been three years since I've been to TCF. The people there have known me and my family since I was a baby. They love us well. It will be good to see them all again.

- Seeing Michael & Anna and Thomas, who all moved away but will be in Tulsa over break. And other friends.

- Lots of good Schupack food and Schupack family time. Hearing our standard family Christmas music, baking our traditional Christmas goods. Watching movies, hanging out. Catching up. Taking pictures. Being silly. Getting on each other's nerves.

And then it's back to work on January 4. Yesterday I celebrated four months at my job. Which is funny because I don't really love my job so I was not exactly celebrating. But it's okay.

Life is good, overall. I am thankful.

thanksgiving day quote

Carrie: "When I take Isaac in to live with me [decades from now], is he still going to shriek?"

sullivan county, pa:

"I have been wearing overalls most of the time for the last 20 years of my life, and do not expect to be buried in silk socks, pat leather shoes, silk shirt, tie and elaborate suit. A pair of clean overalls, clean shirt etc is all that I want and expect, and do not buy a lot of flowers to decorate my grave, if you could not buy any flowers for me while I was alive and could appreciate them, do not buy any now when I cannot see and appreciate them."

Upon the Completion of the Television Series "The West Wing," I Write: A Haiku

So apparently

politics is awesome; We

love the president.

Forty-four minutes:

Politics, love, anger, tears.

One more episode.

Work at the White House -

never eat, sleep, or go home.

This is the West Wing.

We waited so long

Seven seasons of drama.

The guy loves the girl.

I'm convinced to change

my voter registration.

...I'm just kidding, Dad.

We started in June

It is finally over.

Natalie is sad.

Ah West Wing, West Wing, take me in. Are you aware the shape I'm in? My hands they shake, my head it spins. Ah West Wing, West Wing, sucked us in.

- The Avett Brothers

i'll give you ten guesses

It's hard for me to listen to or comprehend lyrics to music. I just like the sound of it and that usually determines whether I will listen to it again. The lyrics don't matter much. But since I've been listening to music at work, I've been hearing and paying attention to the lyrics more. And these are some of my favorites of what I've heard in the last few days. Here are ten snippets from ten great artists.

Guess the artist and the song! No googling!

1. He never wanted nothing, I remember. Maybe a broken bottle if I had two.
2. But I've got to creep down the alleyway, fly down the highway. Before they come to catch me I'll be gone, somewhere they can't find me.
3. I wonder which brother is better. Which one our parents love the most. I sure did get in lots of trouble. They seemed to let the other go.
4. So she went to the tent of the lady of snakes, who gave her a potion and she drank it in. After that her heart never ached again; after that her heart never ached again.
5. The day breaks, your mind aches...And in her eyes you see nothing. No sign of love behind the tears. Cried for no one. A love that should have lasted years.
6. Still tomorrow's going to be another working day, and I'm trying to get some rest. That's all, I'm trying to get some rest.
7. And in my best behavior I am really just like him. Look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid.
8. And in the morning I'll be with you, but it'll be a different kind. I'll be holding all the tickets and you'll be owning all the fines.
9. I won't call it rescue, what brought me here back to the old world to drink and decline and to pretend that the search for another new world was well worth the burning of mine.
10. The wild dogs cry out in the night, as they grow restless longing for some solitary company...I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become.

thoughts of an indexer

Things I am learning at work:

• I need to write a will and so do you.
• Leave your family more than $1 in your will. It looks better.
• Also don't be a racist.
• Also name your kids a normal name. Esther Lester, Edward Pancake and Charles Charles are not normal names.
• Driving is really dangerous, and death certificates are not fun to read.
• If you end up with a job as a register of wills, please write legibly.
• The feminine form of executor is executrix. One can also be a testatrix or an administratrix.
• Podcasts help the time go by. RadioLab and This American Life have been good to me.
• However, headphones start to fall apart when used for eight hours a day.
• Coffee.
• Two of my favorite albums ever have turned out to be "Agaetis Byrjun" by Sigur Ros and "Gulag Orkestar" by Beirut. Can't get enough.
• Okay the last one is the most interesting:

I think that I am convinced that aliens exist. Not logically convinced because I don't know if that is possible. But between reading C. S. Lewis's Space Trilogy and listening to a couple Radio Labs on space (and the Voyager Golden Record which is SO FASCINATING), I have decided that I want to think that there is someone else out there. It makes sense I guess. There's a lot of stuff in the universe besides Earth, so I think maybe there is more life than just on Earth. I don't know. I'll probably never know. But maybe I'm right.

september i'll remember

books to read:

• Leading with a Limp / Dan Allender
• Speak, Memory / Vladimir Nabokov
• Natasha's Dance / Orlando Figes
• The Great Game / Peter Hopkirk
• The Heart of Evangelism / Jerram Barrs
• The Inner Voice of Love / Henri Nouwen
• Lolita / Vladimir Nabokov
• The Gulag Archipelago / Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
• In the Sewers of Lvov / Robert Marshall

books to reread:

• That Hideous Strength / C.S. Lewis
• The Scarlet Letter / Nathaniel Hawthorne
• Ethan Frome / Edith Wharton
• Crime and Punishment / Fyodor Dostoevsky
• Twenty Someone / Doug Serven
• The Master and Margarita / Mikhail Bulgakov
• Emma / Jane Austen

[lotr]

Last month I posted about the Harry Potter series, and how great it is. J.K. Rowling is a good author, and the story is riveting and excellent.

This month I have been re-reading The Lord of the Rings series, starting with The Hobbit. I am now in The Return of the King.

Wow. J.R.R. Tolkien is a master beyond compare. I loved Harry Potter, and I love C.S. Lewis's fiction, but I just don't think they rival Tolkien. (I think Lewis comes close) The plot is so detailed, the characters and history are so rich. The books are majestic and magnificent. I get the goosebumps in every battle. I laugh and cry. This is fiction at its absolute finest.

I read two passages today that, though long, are awesome. They really convey the majesty of Tolkien's story that is not found in anything I have read. You don't have to read them, but you should.

When the light of day was come into the sky but the sun was not yet risen above the high ridges in the East, Aragorn made ready to depart. His company was all mounted, and he was about to leap into the saddle, when the Lady Eowyn came to bid them farewell. She was clad as a Rider and girt with a sword. In her hand she bore a cup, and she set it to her lips and drank a little, wishing them good speed; and then she gave the cup to Aragorn, and he drank, and he said: "Farewell, Lady of Rohan! I drink to the fortunes of your House, and of you, and of all your people. Say to your brother: beyond the shadows we may meet again!"

Then it seemed to Gimli and Legolas who were nearby that she wept, and in one so stern and proud that seemed the more grievous. But she said: "Aragorn, wilt thou go?"

"I will," he said.

"Then wilt thou not let me rid with this company, as I have asked?"

"I will not, lady," he said. "For that I could not grant without leave of the king and of your brother; and they will not return until tomorrow. But I count now every hour, indeed every minute. Farewell!"

Then she fell on her knees, saying: "I beg thee!"

"Nay, lady," he said, and taking her by the hand he raised her. Then he kissed her hand, and sprang into the saddle, and rode away, and did not look back; and only those who knew him well and were near to him saw the pain that he bore.

But Eowyn stood still as a figure carven in stone, her hands clenched at her sides, and she watched them until they passed into the shadows under the black Dwimorberg, the Hunted Mountain, in which was the Gate of the Dead. When they were lost to view, she turned, stumbling as one that is blind, and went back to her lodging. But none of her folk saw this parting, for they hid themselves in fear and would not come forth until the day was up, and the reckless strangers were gone.

- "The Passing of the Grey Company," The Return of the King

Then suddenly Merry felt it at last, beyond doubt: a change. Wind was in his face! Light was glimmering. Far, far away, in the South the clouds could be dimly seen as remote grey shapes, rolling up, drifting: morning lay beyond them.

But at that same moment there was a flash, as if lightning had sprung from the earth beneath the City. For a searing second it stood dazzling far off in black and white, its topmost tower like a glittering needle; and then as the darkness closed again there came rolling over the fields a great boom.

At that sound the bent shape of the king sprang suddenly erect. Tall and proud he seemed again; and rising in his stirrups he cried in a loud voice, more clear than any there had ever heard a mortal man achieve before:

Arise, arise, Rider of Theoden!

Fell deeds awake: fire and slaughter!

spear shall be shaken, shield shall be splintered,

a sword-day, a red day, ere the sun rises!

Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor!

With that he seized a great horn from Guthlaf his banner-bearer, and he blew such a blast upon it that it burst asunder. and straightaway all the horns in the host were lifted up in music, and the blowing of the horns of Rohan in that hour was like a storm upon the plain and a thunder in the mountains.

Ride now, ride now! Ride to Gondor!

Suddenly the king cried to Snowmane and the horse sprang away. Behind him his banner blew in the wind, white horse upon a field of green, but he outpaced it. After him thundered the knights of his house, but he was ever before them. Eomer rode there, the white horsetail on his helm floating in his speed, and the front of the first eored roared like a breaker foaming to the shore, but Theoden could not be overtaken. Fey he seemed, or the battle-fury of his fathers ran like new fire in his veins, and he was borne up on Snowmane like a god of old, even as Orome the Great in the battle of the Valar when the world was young. His golden shield was uncovered, and lo! it shone like an image of the Sun, and the grass flamed into green about the white feet of his steed. For morning came, morning and a wind from the sea; and darkness was removed, and the hosts of Mordor wailed, and terror took them, and they fled, and died, and the hoofs of wrath rode over them. And then all the host of Rohan burst into song, and they sang as they slew, for the joy of battle was on them, and the sound of their singing that was fair and terrible came even to the City.

- "The Ride of the Rohirrim," The Return of the King

July, she will fly

[My mom just read The Hobbit out loud to my sisters. I decided to re-read the Tolkien classics, since the last time I read them was in 9th grade just before The Return of the King came out. So I started The Hobbit. Carrie told me I have to tell her what part I am reading so that we can talk about it. So I emailed the sisters my current thoughts. Here they are.]

Hi sisters (I trust one of you will pass this on to Carrie),

I am reading The Hobbit. I am currently at the part where they are spending the night in a cave and the goblins come and take away all their stuff. I am at the point where Bilbo is waking up just in time to see their ponies disappear and the goblins are attacking.

Here are some of my observations from what I have read so far:

The hobbits have such hairy feet that they actually comb the hair on their feet. That is funny.

It seems like the elves of Rivendell are more mischievous and light-hearted and fun-loving in the Hobbit than I remember them being in The Lord of the Rings. I'll see if I still think this after I read the Fellowship, but in the movies they are made out to be so stately and majestic and serious, but in this book they are singing funny songs and teasing the dwarves.

Gandalf gets his sword Glamdring from the trolls. I had forgotten that, but I definitely remember that his sword is Glamdring - that comes up later. I am wondering when Bilbo gets Sting. Is it from Gollum? I don't remember. Do you guys know that there is a really famous singer named Sting? He even sang a song called "The Russians." Here is the Youtube:

The dwarves and the hobbits eat A LOT.

I like this part:

"It was a beautiful golden harp, and when Thorin struck it the music began all at once, so sudden and sweet that Bilbo forgot everything else, and was swept away into dark lands under strange moons, far over The Water and very far from his hobbit-hole under The Hill......The dark filled all the room, and the fire died down, and the shadows were lost, and still they played on. And suddenly first one and then another began to sing as they played, deep-throated singing of the dwarves in the deep places of their ancient homes and this is like a fragment of their song, if it can be like their song without their music:

For over the misty mountains cold,

To dungeons deep and caverns old

We must away ere break of day

To seek the pale enchanted gold....

....As they sang the hobbit felt the love of beautiful things made by hands and by cunning and by magic moving through him, a fierce and jealous love, the desire of the hearts of dwarves. Then something Tookish woke up inside him, and he wished to go and see the great mountains, and hear the pine-trees and the waterfalls, and explore the caves, and wear a sword instead of a walking-stick."

I just think that it's beautifully written and moving. As I was reading it I was listening to good music and it made me want to go on an adventure like Bilbo. I think that music - at least good music - can move something inside of us that nothing else can. I think Tolkien is good at describing that.

June, She'll Change Her Tune

Once upon a time, a woman (now-famous but then-anonymous) set out to write a fictional book series about a young wizard with the initials of H.P. In this series, young H.P. performs magic, makes friends, finds love, and consistently evades death. He is by turns handsome, daring, angry, foolish, sneaky, resourceful, and ultimately victorious. All is fair in love and war, and our H.P. wins at both.

This anonymous woman, with the initials of J.K.R., steadily gained popularity as she created her wizarding world, and soon the whole real world was following the exploits of H.P., all the way through to the seventh and ultimate book of the series. The movies then started rolling out. The H.P. world is now on the big screen. The word on the streets of the real world is that six movies are out and two more are coming. H.P. is what some might call a "phenomenon."

Now we introduce the third character of our oddly-vague narrative, a recent college graduate with the initials of S.S. This S.S., being an anti-establishment sort of person, vehemently resisted the "H.P. Craze" for many years. Not wanting to bother with all of the fuss, S.S. avoided all things H.P. - the books, the movies, and the conversations. She knew some assorted trivia, but not enough to understand. It was easiest simply to ignore H.P. altogether.

Well, S.S. had started to hear that the final H.P. movie installment was set to be released in July of the year 2010. S.S. was beginning to think that maybe her resistance to the popular H.P. movement was harming only herself. After all, if something is wildly popular, perhaps that is because it is good? So, S.S. resolved, at last, to give in, and buy into this media craze. She determined to read all seven of the H.P. books, and watch all six of the released H.P. movies, all before the release of the final one.

On June 1, 2010, S.S. began her H.P. journey. It was not many pages into Book One before our protagonist was hooked by the adventures of J.K.R.'s protagonist. Being a fairly speedy reader, as well as being unemployed, S.S. devoured all seven books in a matter of seventeen days. Next she attacked the movies, much as J.K.R.'s antagonists attack her protagonist. By the evening of June 29, 2010, S.S. had completed the viewing of all six available H.P. movies.

At some point in this modern-day adventure, S.S. was informed that she had been misinformed. The seventh H.P. movie was not only not to be the final H.P. movie, but also it was not to be released until November of the year 2010.

The Horror!! S.S. must now wait several more months before the release of Movie Seven, which does not depict Book Seven, but merely Book Seven, Part One. Patience, while being a virtue, is not an easy thing. Our protagonist, not being perfect, possesses less-than-ideal amounts of patience. S.S. cannot believe that she will have to wait until November for the next film. Aaaaah.

So, my dear readers, we come to the point where in most stories one finds the "moral." Alas, this story, as it has no real names or substantive information, can hardly be expected suddenly to contain a moral. Thus, this is the end.

may 2010

to do:

• take three finals
• finish this paper I am avoiding by blogging. Two pages down, eight to go.
• graduate
• RUF Summer Conference
• Anna and Michael's wedding
• find a job

interesting information:

• I am in Norman. Sister is in Ukraine. Brother is in Tennessee, about to go west and hike the Grand Canyon. Mom and four kids are in Russia. Dad is in Thailand. Extended family in California, North Carolina, New York, Georgia, Tulsa, Indonesia.
• For the next year or so, I will remain in Norman. I am currently in need of a job. I trust that God has good plans for me, but sometimes that looks deceptively like me freaking out. God is good. I don't know how to find and keep a job.
• My church meets in another new location now, which means I go to the 8 am service. I like it, and then I like the nap I take after it.
• This will be my first summer in Norman. I plan to sweat in my un-airconditioned car, [find a job and work it], read a lot, watch movies, go to the farmer's market, and invite people to my house.
• On Friday, I plan to bask in the light at the end of this sixteen-year-long tunnel of organized education. It's been a good run, and it's over. I don't know how that feels, but it may hit me at some point. In the words of President Ford, "My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over." Those words always echo through my mind when I am doing something particularly difficult like writing a long paper or traveling for 50+ hours straight.
• some recent pictures:

I graduate next week

Year's End

O Love Beyond Compare,

Thou art good when thou givest,

and when thou takest away,

when the sun shines upon me,

when night gathers over me.

Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world,

and in love didst redeem my soul;

Thou dost love me still,

in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust.

Thy goodness has been with me during another year,

leading me through a twisting wilderness,

in retreat helping me to advance,

when beaten back making sure headway.

Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead;

I hoist sail and draw up anchor,

With thee as the blessed pilot of my future as of my past.

I bless thee that thou hast veiled my eyes to the waters ahead.

If thou hast appointed storms of tribulation,

thou wilt be with me in them;

If I have to pass through tempests of persecution and temptation,

I shall not drown;

If I am to die,

I shall see thy face the sooner;

If a painful end is to be my lot,

grant me grace that my faith fail not;

If I am to be cast aside from the service I love,

I can make no stipulation;

Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,

as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use.

- from Valley of Vision

long post on Peru

The image from my trip to Peru which will stay with me the longest is of an evening we spent in the squatter community of Clementina. The people of Clementina live in straw huts in absolute abject poverty. They are squatting on their land under the promise of the government gifting it to them after a year or two. They have very few possessions and very few prospects. The kids run around the streets, most of them not in school, most of them with dirty faces and ripped and ill-fitting clothes. Not all have shoes. I don't know what the adults do for a living, but they don't get much of a living out of it. We spent some mornings at Peru Mission's little chapel in Clementina, leveling their dirt floor in preparation for them to pour a cement slab. There are four pews and a podium in the tiny room.

We also played with the kids. When we would pull up in the bus, they would start to congregate around us and the chapel. They are so loving and sweet and happy. Some of them helped us haul dirt - they are willing to help work just so they can be with us. Some just hung in the back and watched. They loved our cameras and wanted to pose for pictures and take pictures as well. And always see the photos on the screen after we had taken them. We brought bubbles and rubber band bracelets and coloring books and they loved it all. There was a severely disabled boy named Kevin who couldn't participate but loved sitting on a bench and watching us. He smiled at me and waved goodbye when we left. The kids were a lot of fun.

On Thursday evening we went back to Clementina for a block party/worship service. The four pews were out in the road, there was singing, prayer, and a short sermon. That evening was so moving. We were standing outside as the sun was going down. Though dusty and spare, the landscape is beautiful. A huge mountain rises up just behind the church and village, overlooking everything. Some flowers are planted along the bare road near the church. The church band was wearing colorful Peruvian vests. Beautiful Peruvian women and children (and a few men) were sitting on the pews and standing with us in the street. The village is simple and primitive and crude, but real and open and beautiful in that way. The people were so welcoming, and there were children and stray dogs running in and out all the time.

The service at Clementina was a moving picture of the gospel and a tiny glimpse of heaven. As I joined with people singing praise to the Lord in a different language, and saw poverty and disability and need and brokenness and pain and hurt all around me, I longed so deeply for heaven. I look forward to the day when all the wrong will be made right. When the disabled will run and talk and play. When children won't be dirty or hungry or unwanted. When parents will be happy and have plenty. When we will all be able to understand each other. When even the landscape will be restored to its original beauty. When we will sing songs of praise to our Redeemer forever.

Though I don't think I fell in love with Peru or the Peruvian people, that night I came the closest. I want to love them and for them to be loved. I want them to hear and believe the gospel. I want to see those people in heaven. I want their spiritual and physical needs to be met and hurts to be healed. I want them to rise above the poverty and need of their conditions and live lives of meaning and depth.

I don't know how that happens. A few days after returning from Peru I learned that Kevin, the disabled boy, died from complications after visiting the Peru Mission clinic with breathing problems and a low heart rate. His father carried him all the way to Wichanzao because he had no other way to get him help. I hate death and mourn for his family.

Jesus says, "Behold, I make all things new." I await eagerly that day. Come then, Lord Jesus.

Peru, who are you?

Let's backtrack a few years and make ourselves a timeline, shall we?

March 2007 - spring break trip to New Orleans (post up!)
September 2007 - parents &co move overseas, giving me a reason to leave the country
June 2008 - I spend 3 weeks in Russia (after two years in the US without leaving)
Jul/Aug 2008 - six weeks in Texas (thanks, Willis family!)
Sept 2008 - Four months in Russia
January 2009 - Four and a half months in Oklahoma
June 2009 - Three months in Ukraine and Russia
August 2009 - Four months in Oklahoma
December 2009 - Four weeks in Russia and Ukraine
January 2009 - Two months in Oklahoma
March 2009 - spring break trip to PERU!!

Yes, I can't quite seem to commit to one time zone, can I? Well, I am off to Peru. This time I will only be leaving the country for a week (possibly my quickest overseas trip ever). I will be back. And then I really don't know how long it will be until I leave the country again. I have no idea. It could be two more months, or it could be years. Yikes. Sometimes I feel Claustrophobic by Continent.

But oh hey yeah I am leaving for Peru tomorrow. What I am looking forward to:
- the layover in Panama City, Panama! Central America! oh wow!
- I have never been to a Spanish-speaking country or been this much of a tourist
- I FINALLY get real hard proof that Peru (and even all of South America) exists. I mean, I've seen pictures and heard stories, but how do I know that that is real? It could be some sort of Truman-Show-style deception. Tomorrow at this time I will know for sure.
- I get to see AMANDA! And who wouldn't look forward to that, right?

Wish me well, or whatever your equivalent of well-wishing is! And a happy spring break to you too, if you get one!

When I get back I will post pictures like this:
and this:

I JUST FINISHED WAR AND PEACE

Last summer, I took a thirty hour train ride from Russia to Kiev. There I stayed the night, then took an overnight train the next night to L'viv. I flew out of L'viv, through Munich, to Chicago, where I was supposed to get on a plane to OKC. At that point I had been traveling for four days, and had been away all summer. I was worn out and jetlagged. I missed my flight to OKC and had to spend the night in the Chicago airport. The next morning I flew to Denver and then to OKC. I had come SO far and was SO close to being home, but it felt like it would never be over.

That is how I have felt about War and Peace today. War and Peace is an excellent novel. You should read it. No, really, you should. It's got love and romance, war and violence and killing. Duels, marriages, births, deaths, broken marriages and engagements, elopements, ruined fortunes, gambling, amputations, hunts, balls, captivity, the burning of Moscow, and so much more. It has philosophy and religion and history and drama and French and English and Russian and German. I can help you pronounce the characters' names if you want. BUT. War and Peace is also 1200 pages long. Today I reached Part Two of the Epilogue. Yes, even the epilogue has two parts. At this point I was just dozens of pages away from the end. At which point Tolstoy decides to unload himself on his readers in a lengthy manifesto on history, power, freedom, fate, and I don't even know what else. It was so hard to get through. I was at the Chicago airport, watching my plane leave without me. I was flying to Denver instead of Oklahoma City. I was so close to the end, but just....not....there.

Okay so I did finally finish. And I liked the book. And it is over now so I can go study for the midterm. But I just don't understand why Tolstoy did that. Why not end on a good note? On an interesting, exciting note? On something that leaves your readers happy and wanting more?

Why???

Tolstoy's take on Europeans

A Frenchman is self-assured because he considers himself personally, in mind as well as body, irresistibly enchanting for men as well as women. An Englishman is self-assured on the grounds that he is a citizen of the best-organized state in the world, and therefore, as an Englishman, he always knows what he must do, and knows that everything he does as an Englishman is unquestionably good. An Italian is self-assured because he is excitable and easily forgets himself and others. A Russian is self-assured precisely because he does not know anything and does not want to know anything, because he does not believe it possible to know anything fully. A German is self-assured worst of all, and most firmly of all, and most disgustingly of all, because he imagines that he knows the truth, science, which he has invented himself, but which for him is the absolute truth.

- from War and Peace, Vol. III, Part One, Chapter X

equals seven kids

[carrie normal face]

[carrie decides to ruin a string of great pictures]

[the park again]

[not such a good one of us playing cards]

[favorite]

[makes for a huge family]

and 2 brothers

[as per mom's request]

[jesse]

[isaac]

[in the park]

[it's like a biblical wilderness overlooking a city]

[on the way home from the train station, after not seeing each other for a year]

[bob the builder christmas present!]

[waiting out a school play]

[upper balkaria...ever been there?]

[oh my goodness cute]

5 sisters

[i have a paper due in 14 hours]

[rachel]

[me]

[emily]

[dina]

[carrie]

[pyramid!]

[adyghei memorial]

[couch]

[the game of life]

[self-portraits are really hard!]

[christmas morning, older 2]

[christmas morning, youngest 4]